Death is all around us, in case you forgot

I know this is a topic that I touched on with my “dislike for late movies” post, but this past few days especially, people on the internet and television have been bringing it up the subject. Between Hannah Hart and ‘Girls’, there have been too many references to how we’re suppose to feel and how we should react to the unknown. Why should we spend time focusing on the unknown of death when there are greater things to worry about. Worrying about how I’m going to survive living at my parent’s house means I’m going to be sacrificing a lot; liquor usage, swearing, and the number one answer: my attitude. Apparently, it’s like a problem or something. All I know is that there have been long periods of my life in 2013 where yes; I was extremely unhappy with the way life was turning out and how things didn’t go according to plan. I get a slap in the face or a wake up call. I thought 2012 was rough but apparently, 2013 was only slightly better.

Consoling doesn’t seem like a bad idea but I honestly want to do this on my own, now that I have the time and energy to focus on my needs and what I want out of life. Just getting back to the basics in life and hobbies that actually make me happy. I need to stop acting so angry and unpleasant with everyone I talk, it isn’t fair to them or myself and it’s only going to get worse as life goes on. I know that now. Maybe I will, maybe I won’t. I’ll give myself a month to self reflect and if it doesn’t get better, I’ll throw myself into consoling. By then, I should feel like I could them a shot.

 

 

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Progress Report

I graduated college on December 20th, 2013, which means that I have been living at home for one month. I’m going to break down the good and bad parts about this new transition.

The Good

  • My parents aren’t focusing me to pay rent or gas.
  • I’ll get to have my own car at the end of this month (graduation present from the folks).
  • I recently have two jobs; the first one is working in a grocery store which I’ve had since 2011, in between breaks from school. It is nice that they want me back because I’m a good employee for deli and seafood departments.
  • The second job is for a publishing company called Stonebrook Publishing and I am their new marketing assistant. My mom helped me land an interview and I couldn’t be more excited and grateful for this opportunity.
  • Being at home has taught me how to be more patient with people around me. I was always in a big hurry to get everything done so I didn’t have any stresses in my life. Stresses can be good because they are there to teach you how fucking hard life can be and how much worse things can get if you don’t stop and smell the roses every now and then.
  • My friends that are in the same boat, living with their parents. I am not alone in this struggle. And enjoy their company more now that college is over.
  • Watching my favorite shows at a reasonable time in the day.
  • Having more time to focus on my two loves; reading and writing.

The Bad

  • Having my co-workers at my first job ask me, “Do you miss being at college yet?” “Do you miss all of your friends?” “Don’t you wish you were there and not stuck HERE?” “You don’t want to work here forever, not with that degree you got, right?” “Is it weird living at home?” All of these stupid questions just bring me down and have no good merritt to them. Of course I miss college and everything about it. I knew this transition would be hard and you people are only making it worse, so quit bringing it up.
  • Also having co-workers hit on you while you’re working and they think that’s ok. No, I’m never going to date any co-worker, let alone creepy meat department guy who watches me bend over every time I drop or clean something. My ass may look great but you have a job to do, and that is not to look at what I got from behind.
  • Since my mom still doesn’t have a job, it’s been frustrating having to borrow her car while I need to work but she needs to go to meetings with her bestie while not trying to find a job.
  • Realizing you’re becoming your mom’s slave because she has no one else to boss around or tell someone what to do
  • Not having a vehicle to just go places and not be stuck at home so much.
  • Seeing all of those damn Facebook posts about starting school again and how Peoria is so great. Well, maybe not great all the time but the city definitely had its moments.
  • Not seeing my closest friends everyday, doing the same things and wishing that those times never had to end.
  • I hate feeling like the younger sibling. Yes, I know I’m the youngest but I’m 23 now and doesn’t that mean something now a days? I’m not a total screw up so quit “babying” me and treating me like I don’t know how to do anything I have been put on this earth to do.

The Ugly Truth

Overall, I have a lot to look forward to. Soon, I’ll have my own set of wheels and having this marketing assistant job is just the thing I need to make my resume look sharp and get me focused on what my career path should be. So many great things in my future that I know I shouldn’t be complaining. But it’s only been a month…can you really blame me for how much has changed in my life?

 

 

Father knows best, right?

This post is dedicated to my father, who thinks that I should write happier, less depressing poems (something I need to focus more on). I wrote this little number in December and I think it’s pretty good for a short poem. Enjoy!

The Lioness

 

Hear women yelling, “I’m a quaintrelle.”

Passion on top of desire,

 

 I am woman

 

hear me roar yellow orange

reacting to

sapphire

blue,

flame, don’t fade away, new and true across the broad,

 

sights foreseen cannot be touched,

 

Cultivated by pastimes pleasures,

charm sweeter than a prince,

Lit up to the tone of

a million lightening bugs.

 

 She is wild.

 

With no lion standing next to,

the brown dusty plains and

Evergreen valleys are in reach,

 

her whole life, passion inhaled by dreamers,

 

Believers,

 

—those who vision anything is possible.  

I dislike going to late movies

Not every late movie or midnight premiere that I have been looking forward to for weeks. Harry Potter and Star Trek don’t apply to what I’m talking about (they’re amazing movies). Rather what comes after seeing the movie; you’re hyped up from the movie and the amount of popcorn and soda that has been in your body for the past three hours and driving home, thinking everyone is still awake! But they’re not and you’re left alone with your thoughts…all of your thoughts.

I understand that graduating college is wonderful and it sucks at the same time and living with your parents is not an ideal situation for an early 20’s female. But those were my thoughts after the midnight showing of The Hobbit: Part 2. Maybe it was the hobbit’s journey, Gandalf’s drinking, or Smaug himself but something was keeping me up pass 4 a.m. I just don’t want to end up alone with nothing but my thoughts and cats. Ugh…I hope the struggle doesn’t last forever.

So, I wrote this after the movie and it made me ten times better, laying my thoughts on paper and finally releasing my insecurities I’ve held on to for so long.

I dislike going to late movies

 

Is scared and alone.

Always scared and lonely.

Is it normal to hate

The thought of death

Without ever knowing

What it is.

 

Nothing to compare it,

Not even a drop of memory

Would help. Is it something

To be afraid of rather than

Some type of celebratory

Swan song?

 

Feeling so unnatural and hallow,

A corpse inside an Egyptian tomb,

Without a brain to remember

His life, time, people of an

Important era.

 

Just as the Black Dalia,

Minus body parts all over.

When it’s there, in a blink, it’s gone

Over and buried to the ground;

           

             Poof.

 

Coming and going every way,

People die every day but no one

Hears about baby being born

Or 10th grade graduation.

Who has the time to stop and look?

 

For now, life is a marathon

Racing thoughts and events

All over the place without

Thinking… is it

Death that’s coming in first.

What to do when the high is -2

I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing, in general. I can’t control the inevitable of growing more like my parents and having their genetics inside of me, flowing and wandering around like atoms in space. I have my mother’s horrible, rotten teeth and my father’s facial features and there’s nothing I can do except work with what I have and fight against the bad parts. Fighting for how long, I’m still working on it. Personally I know who I am, that is not a copy-paste product of my parents. The fact is that I don’t know when I’ll get that big break, real job opportunity, or figure out when to move out of the house I’ve grown up in all my life. Those certain scenarios are up in the air, waiting to be determined. I can only hope that the fight doesn’t cause a bloody scene or make me lose all of my teeth. I just to be happy. So, why should I stress so much about what hasn’t happen yet and let it go? Damn the inevitable…Universe: 1, Lawless: 0. For now, at least.