To Be Single Or To Not Be Single…Wait, That Doesn’t Sound Right.

I hate those “This Is Why You’re Single” articles. They are almost as bad as the women’s body issues articles about how women need to look a certain in order to get the attention “they’ve been missing out on.” It’s degrading and insulting, I know. So many smart women out there feed into this crap because they suffer from their own personal issues. Personally though, I love the way I am and I wouldn’t change the life path I’m on today. That doesn’t mean it’s smooth sailing for a woman like myself. It’s been two years since I’ve been in a serious relationship. I’ve made my bed with the men I fucked hard over the years and I was very good at it. I fucked them at house parties, on one of my roommates bed, and let’s not forget those long nights at the park. But lately, I have been feeling as though a small piece of myself is missing. Missing the times where watching Breaking Bad and eating a whole pizza pie was fun on a Saturday night with someone else. Even having nice and funny conversations with a man while out at a cozy restaurant felt like harmful four play. Strangers have just been giving me funny looks whenever I try to do that stuff solo. I think this is a stage or a phase in a twenty-something year old’s life where they’re not quite sure which direction they want to go on.

On the one hand, it has been so great being single now that I’m an adult. In college, there were standards to get attention from guys that included getting extra dolled up, wear the “uper, hot, and sexy” short dress, and the skyscraper heels for a night out with friends when all you really do is come home empty handed and hungry for Micky D’s at 3:00 a.m. Being adult means having some or certain responsibilities; for example, this is me 99.9% of the time when I meet someone new, “No, I can’t stay out pass midnight drinking with you, I have to drive home, eat a sandwich from the fridge, watch Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, and work on my writing in the morning. I have priorities, man!” I have found the greatest independence within myself after the break-up of 2012 and the crash and burn course with men of 2013 that I feel it will get taken away from me once I start dating someone new again. Plus I have all of this spare time to write what excites me and for my recent new gig as a fashion blogger (!!!!!!!!!). Another reason for my fondness of being alone is because I am way too cooped up in my house with at least one family member in the house at all times. My retail job only gives me so many hours, which isn’t enough to cover the bills. My point is that I couldn’t be happier having my own space, whether it’s at a coffee shop, book stores, the movies, or a restaurant, where it’s just me, myself, and I.

There is the flip side though. I do hate myself a little whenever I blow off plans with people I care about. I don’t mean to be rude or disrespectful, but I can get pretty anxious whenever I’m out in public. I start to think, “They are better off without me there anyway. We’re just gonna be doing the same thing we always do. I’m better off alone for the night.” Those lonely nights get to me sometimes in my weakest moments. For instance, I was at a sushi restaurant the other night. I had my pen and paper to keep me company so I didn’t feel so alone with my restless thoughts. Every angle I looked, there were people paired up, looking like soul mates. Old couples, young love, and best friends dining together without a care in the world. The worst part was when the wait staff gave me those “ooooohhhh, you are so lonely and no body likes you. I pity your life’s existence, you silly girl!”

This summer, I am pushing to put myself out there and try new things. But it’s still nerve wrecking for me. The honest truth: I don’t feel prepared and ready to be in a relationship and getting my heart and expectations broken again. It’s too much to think about when I worked so hard to get to a healthy place I am today. I don’t know what I’m really doing when it comes to guys and dating and I feel like I never will. Therefore, the war of love must go on fighting strong. Because I’ll never know what I want if I don’t go out trying to look for the thing I miss the most; sweet and good company to come home to.



Summer Is Keeping Me Blown Away

It’s finally summer, which means more time to go outside, summer books to read, hanging out with friends til really late, and explore my writing. Summer always gets me feeling restless while having a job to tie me down in the god awful suburbs. Someday, I will move out and enjoy those long summer nights on my balcony with a glass of wine, a book, and a notebook.

Recently I had a thought though…when was the last time someone was truly blown away by something that happen to them? Can anyone remember the last time it’s happened to you? Little things like rude customer service or someone opening the door for you happen often enough that we don’t consider those events worth wild. I’m talking about feeling breathless as the moment sinks into you and reaches in to grab hold of your emotions. I have asked my friends and even gone into random bars and asked the people around me this questions and I got some great feedback.

1) One of my friends has a passion for motion pictures. He finds the details to makes movies takes a lot of behind the scene stuff happening all the time. The different components, including music, direction, casting, lighting, the way certain shots are taken, are all a replication of life by telling a story. He truly appreciates film as an art form and that was what blew him away.

2) A gentleman at the Edgewild wine bar took the most time to give me an answer, but it was worth the wait. On Christmas Day in 2004, he and his unit were going to leave from Indonesia back to America, back to their loved ones who have missed them for so long. Just before their military unit was about to head home, they had received information that a deadly tsunami just hit the west coast of Indonesia and they desperately needed help. While everyone was initially upset, they knew what had to be done. The next thing he told me that really took his breath away was when he and his brothers were in the helicopter, slowly coming to the surface and seeing the grateful and relived faces from the victims of the tsunami. Looking into the faces he barely knew, their hands were reaching out for help, and an overwhelming sense of connection and thankfulness took place.

3) Same bar, different guy, told me that since he owns the Edgewild restaurant, he felt that what blows his mind was walking out of a restaurant, knowing that it was a 10/10 food review. But ‘it can’t be just about the food’, he say; the whole atmosphere must be in tune with their petite, the staff is to be warm and friendly, the design and lighting should suit the place in the right fashion. You can leave a restaurant, tell the staff ‘thank you for the meal’, and give a great tip, knowing that was an experience you’ll never forget.

4) The woman sitting next to the owner, told me her answer right away. Whenever you expect the most normal scenario to happen with a friend or even a family member and it turns out being the worse time. Even vice versa, the stereotype is broken and you are completely shocked by the outcome.

5) I’m hanging at my favorite bar with some of my girlfriends, when I ask my favorite waitress this question. Her answer came out quickly, filled with her reasoning and explanation. She believed that ‘the fact that natural elements can affect a person’s mood in mind-blowing to me.’ She went on to tell me,  ‘especially if you’re the type of person who prefers one climate over another’ and ‘I use to study marine biology and even the animal’s attitude changes if the weather doesn’t isn’t to their liking.’ Good answer sista, good answer indeed!

6) Finally, I’ll give everyone my answer to this question. What amazes me is that we interact with people every single day; some people you meet are awful, others are warm and friendly, and even some don’t have reaction to what you said or did. And yet, when it comes to sporting events, people will rally with their fellow brother, drink their $10 beers and make conversations like they’ve known each other their whole lives. My experience comes from when I attended the 2006 World Series, Game 6. The Cardinals faced against the Tigers at Busch Stadium to see who would wear the crowd as champions of baseball. My family and I split up because our normal seats cost way more during the playoffs verses regular season. And since my dad and brother went to Game 4, the ladies were on the floor while the guys went upstairs. Try to imagine the game being in the bottom of the ninth, two players in the opposing team are on second and first, and Cardinals pitcher, Jeff Weaver is trying to close the game. My mother and I are staying on our cold feet, holding each other hand, while I scream “It’s not gonna happen! They’re going to lose!” Still keeping her faith, she tells me, “Oh will you shut up!? That’s not going to happen…watch the game!” The count was 2-1, Weaver only had two more strikes and the season would be over. Damn right I was afraid, I thought, being 16 and getting paranoid by the thought of going home empty handed. The next pitch was gonna be a ball, 3-1, making the final game that much more interesting. I remember holding her hand and thinking how cold it must be for my dad and brother. And what they must be thinking. Pitch and stttrrikkkeeeee. There is a knot in my stomach the size of a baseball. I’m thinking I’ll throw up if we lose; we can’t lose cuz that would mean throwing up my dinner. Still screaming, “It’s not gonna happen! It’s not gonn…” And then the moment came; overwhelming happiness, the knot was completely gone, tears of joy burst out, and my mom was yelling just as loud as I was. This might be the first time I had ever been blown away because not only was I in shocked but an entire stadium filled with loving Cards fans were probably thinking the same thing. And what came after was no fighting in downtown St. Louis, people high-five one another, fans being happy and friendly with other fans, even with the losing fans. That shocked me more than anything because I saw individuals putting their differences aside to celebrate a common interest and how happy every single person was.

That’s all I have for now. Tell me what blows you away and I’ll add in your story next time!