I hate those “This Is Why You’re Single” articles. They are almost as bad as the women’s body issues articles about how women need to look a certain in order to get the attention “they’ve been missing out on.” It’s degrading and insulting, I know. So many smart women out there feed into this crap because they suffer from their own personal issues. Personally though, I love the way I am and I wouldn’t change the life path I’m on today. That doesn’t mean it’s smooth sailing for a woman like myself. It’s been two years since I’ve been in a serious relationship. I’ve made my bed with the men I fucked hard over the years and I was very good at it. I fucked them at house parties, on one of my roommates bed, and let’s not forget those long nights at the park. But lately, I have been feeling as though a small piece of myself is missing. Missing the times where watching Breaking Bad and eating a whole pizza pie was fun on a Saturday night with someone else. Even having nice and funny conversations with a man while out at a cozy restaurant felt like harmful four play. Strangers have just been giving me funny looks whenever I try to do that stuff solo. I think this is a stage or a phase in a twenty-something year old’s life where they’re not quite sure which direction they want to go on.
On the one hand, it has been so great being single now that I’m an adult. In college, there were standards to get attention from guys that included getting extra dolled up, wear the “uper, hot, and sexy” short dress, and the skyscraper heels for a night out with friends when all you really do is come home empty handed and hungry for Micky D’s at 3:00 a.m. Being adult means having some or certain responsibilities; for example, this is me 99.9% of the time when I meet someone new, “No, I can’t stay out pass midnight drinking with you, I have to drive home, eat a sandwich from the fridge, watch Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, and work on my writing in the morning. I have priorities, man!” I have found the greatest independence within myself after the break-up of 2012 and the crash and burn course with men of 2013 that I feel it will get taken away from me once I start dating someone new again. Plus I have all of this spare time to write what excites me and for my recent new gig as a fashion blogger (!!!!!!!!!). Another reason for my fondness of being alone is because I am way too cooped up in my house with at least one family member in the house at all times. My retail job only gives me so many hours, which isn’t enough to cover the bills. My point is that I couldn’t be happier having my own space, whether it’s at a coffee shop, book stores, the movies, or a restaurant, where it’s just me, myself, and I.
There is the flip side though. I do hate myself a little whenever I blow off plans with people I care about. I don’t mean to be rude or disrespectful, but I can get pretty anxious whenever I’m out in public. I start to think, “They are better off without me there anyway. We’re just gonna be doing the same thing we always do. I’m better off alone for the night.” Those lonely nights get to me sometimes in my weakest moments. For instance, I was at a sushi restaurant the other night. I had my pen and paper to keep me company so I didn’t feel so alone with my restless thoughts. Every angle I looked, there were people paired up, looking like soul mates. Old couples, young love, and best friends dining together without a care in the world. The worst part was when the wait staff gave me those “ooooohhhh, you are so lonely and no body likes you. I pity your life’s existence, you silly girl!”
This summer, I am pushing to put myself out there and try new things. But it’s still nerve wrecking for me. The honest truth: I don’t feel prepared and ready to be in a relationship and getting my heart and expectations broken again. It’s too much to think about when I worked so hard to get to a healthy place I am today. I don’t know what I’m really doing when it comes to guys and dating and I feel like I never will. Therefore, the war of love must go on fighting strong. Because I’ll never know what I want if I don’t go out trying to look for the thing I miss the most; sweet and good company to come home to.