Pricky Throned Men

Fresh Off The Presses

Lately, dating has been kicking my ass. I’m not having any luck finding someone who wants the same things I do. It’s been so frustrating, so I’m giving up on dating for a while. Until someone sees the same things that I want, I don’t want to try anymore. I wrote a poem that has some of those view points. Let me know if it’s good or not.

Prickly Throned Men

I fucked up the day I believed
believed me needing you needing me more
sunk into a hole deeper than any grave I’ve dug for ex’s
lowering further to the ground singing swan songs.

Bingeing on Breaking Bad,
that will occupy my mind,
Having PBR’s to inhale
sure will ease the pain.

Somehow interested in grey metal studded Prada lofters,
instead of condoms, twirling into his apartment
as giggy school girls skip with skirts thigh high
up in the air, lost in the school day wasted.

Wasted day to follow obliterated nights
I wake up awfully dirty again, hitting replay on Swan Song #5
reminded to watch out for the thrones,
too beautifully pricked up to see my damned scars.

To Be Single Or To Not Be Single…Wait, That Doesn’t Sound Right.

I hate those “This Is Why You’re Single” articles. They are almost as bad as the women’s body issues articles about how women need to look a certain in order to get the attention “they’ve been missing out on.” It’s degrading and insulting, I know. So many smart women out there feed into this crap because they suffer from their own personal issues. Personally though, I love the way I am and I wouldn’t change the life path I’m on today. That doesn’t mean it’s smooth sailing for a woman like myself. It’s been two years since I’ve been in a serious relationship. I’ve made my bed with the men I fucked hard over the years and I was very good at it. I fucked them at house parties, on one of my roommates bed, and let’s not forget those long nights at the park. But lately, I have been feeling as though a small piece of myself is missing. Missing the times where watching Breaking Bad and eating a whole pizza pie was fun on a Saturday night with someone else. Even having nice and funny conversations with a man while out at a cozy restaurant felt like harmful four play. Strangers have just been giving me funny looks whenever I try to do that stuff solo. I think this is a stage or a phase in a twenty-something year old’s life where they’re not quite sure which direction they want to go on.

On the one hand, it has been so great being single now that I’m an adult. In college, there were standards to get attention from guys that included getting extra dolled up, wear the “uper, hot, and sexy” short dress, and the skyscraper heels for a night out with friends when all you really do is come home empty handed and hungry for Micky D’s at 3:00 a.m. Being adult means having some or certain responsibilities; for example, this is me 99.9% of the time when I meet someone new, “No, I can’t stay out pass midnight drinking with you, I have to drive home, eat a sandwich from the fridge, watch Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, and work on my writing in the morning. I have priorities, man!” I have found the greatest independence within myself after the break-up of 2012 and the crash and burn course with men of 2013 that I feel it will get taken away from me once I start dating someone new again. Plus I have all of this spare time to write what excites me and for my recent new gig as a fashion blogger (!!!!!!!!!). Another reason for my fondness of being alone is because I am way too cooped up in my house with at least one family member in the house at all times. My retail job only gives me so many hours, which isn’t enough to cover the bills. My point is that I couldn’t be happier having my own space, whether it’s at a coffee shop, book stores, the movies, or a restaurant, where it’s just me, myself, and I.

There is the flip side though. I do hate myself a little whenever I blow off plans with people I care about. I don’t mean to be rude or disrespectful, but I can get pretty anxious whenever I’m out in public. I start to think, “They are better off without me there anyway. We’re just gonna be doing the same thing we always do. I’m better off alone for the night.” Those lonely nights get to me sometimes in my weakest moments. For instance, I was at a sushi restaurant the other night. I had my pen and paper to keep me company so I didn’t feel so alone with my restless thoughts. Every angle I looked, there were people paired up, looking like soul mates. Old couples, young love, and best friends dining together without a care in the world. The worst part was when the wait staff gave me those “ooooohhhh, you are so lonely and no body likes you. I pity your life’s existence, you silly girl!”

This summer, I am pushing to put myself out there and try new things. But it’s still nerve wrecking for me. The honest truth: I don’t feel prepared and ready to be in a relationship and getting my heart and expectations broken again. It’s too much to think about when I worked so hard to get to a healthy place I am today. I don’t know what I’m really doing when it comes to guys and dating and I feel like I never will. Therefore, the war of love must go on fighting strong. Because I’ll never know what I want if I don’t go out trying to look for the thing I miss the most; sweet and good company to come home to.

 

Why I Hate The Month Of April

Is it that time of the year again? Damnit…

I have always disliked this month, ever since I was younger and this year is no exception to the rule. I’ve got a list…

  1. Since my little (not so little) hit and run incident three weeks ago, my parent are wanting me to go to 2 therapy sessions to see if I have any stress problems. I have problems before, but they’ve been minor compared to this one. So I’m forced to go and see how it goes; which hopefully won’t kill my self esteem.
  2. Following my hit and run, I have a court date this month for failing to yield and I have no idea how that will go. Hopefully I’ll just paid off my court fees and forget this whole thing ever happened. I’m just grateful no one was injured.
  3. I also have not one but TWO weddings this month. My godmother finally getting married to the man she loves is great and I am super duper happy for her. But the other wedding, my God, is going to be a buzz kill. There are this couple I was friends with in high school and I’ve always stayed in touch with Rebecca because I truly admire her for what she’s doing with her life. I just know this wedding is going to be nothing but Johnny’s lame friends and Rebecca’s “waaaayyy” older girl friends who I hardly know. And there also trying to be adorable with their wedding date “4/11/14”. Oh the horribly icky irony…
  4. My best friend of 15 years is leaving for the navy in two weeks and I am all types of messy on the inside. I don’t know what to do without her around; she’s the best friend any girl could ask for. My stomach turns every time I think about and I just get emotional about it.  She’s having a going away party this Sunday and that’s only going to mean the beginning of the fun times, coming to an end. Us realizing that we all have to grow up sometime, move on with our lives and become full grown adults. I’m just not ready for all of that transition to happen. Sometimes, I want to be in high school and go over to my best friend’s house to hang out, watch a movie, and talk about stupid stuff like we always do. Things just aren’t the same around here anymore.

Now, I’m not bitching and complaining about this month particularly being awful because man; do I have a bad track record. There are the bad break-ups: starting in high school, my boyfriend, James, (who was actually really sweet and awesome) and I decide it would best if we broke up. Which is fine and dandy, until my good friend, Melody, decides it’s a good idea to ask him out three days later without even telling or asking me about it. I had what you might call a “bad boy boyfriend” named Keith who decided to be a complete ass for a week and then post humiliating pictures of me all over the Internet. I was a mess for a week and had all sorts of tests coming up during that time. Which brings me to my next topic; the bad grades and classes. At Bradley, signing up for classes and the last day to drop a class for the spring semester would appear in the middle of April. I had a rough time with my health science major and most of the important tests would fall during this month. So, many times I had failed a test or found out where I stood in the class and would have to drop out. Usually after doing that, the dreaded phone call to my parents would happen, where they would say how disappointed and unhappy they were to find out about my poor grades and my even poorer self. Self esteem is normally shot at this point in my academic year. Speaking of college, one of the most important memories of my college youth happened in April my Freshman year, where I threw up for the very first time from alcohol thanks to the drinking game called, “Circle of Death”. Good memories were made, most definitely, but I almost went my whole first year at college without throwing up once and I was ready hoping that it would have stayed that way. But alas, the streak was over. I know I have mentioned before that death is never easy and well, April likes to be there for death, I suppose. Both of my grandparents of my father’s side have passed away around this month. We’ve all had family relatives died at some point in our lives. But when a death that is actually a suicide happens at your high school and everyone knew that person, it’s almost as if a part of a larger community passed on into another universe. That was one of the first deaths I dealt with where everyone around you is sad for the exact same reason. You can’t explain it except by hugging them and saying everything will be alright. And finally, this month always makes me go back and question where my life is going. I don’t know if it’s because May is right around the corner and that means school is ending, but I’m usually going back to the same notion that life sucks, everything is confusing as hell, and I don’t know how to get out of this spot.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that April is a nasty way to showing you to slow down and think your life choices before you screw up completely. All I want to do is give this month a nice kick in the ass and stop ruining my life so much, you big jerk! My life…oy vey!

 

You Win Some, You Lose Some

The post college life is difficult.

I have had three jobs in the past two months and I’m praying to keep my current job as a sales associate job at New York and Company. I just don’t get what I’m doing wrong. Half of the time, I feel timid with people giving me instructions and the other half I feel lost, almost like I’m drowning in my own confusion. I keep trucking along, smiling, and trying to be happy. But it’s so damn frustrating not getting the results you have been hoping for.

At least guys are interested in me.

Almost two weeks ago, after I found out about my job offer from New York and Company, I went out with some of friends in town for Pi day. Anyone who is from St. Louis knows about this “holiday” due to the fact that the numbers spell out our area code, which is 314. So, we went out and hard in paint I might add. I had two different guys buy me shots and one of them danced with me and asked for my phone number. That was a huge confidence booster. Three days later was St. Patrick’s Day. That was legendary. Myself and two of my girlfriends went near the Central West End to get some dinner and drinks. The three of us were waiting in line right behind three, beer holding bachelors. As we approach the first of the line, one of the guys asks if we would join them for dinner. A triple date?!?! How often does that happen? I would say as close as someone getting the NCAA college basketball bracket correct. It was not only a fun time, but they also asked for our numbers so we can get together with them sometime in the future. It was an awesome feeling leaving that restaurant because I would have never thought something like that would happen, but it did.

Faith has a funny way of showing its cards, whether it’s in your social or professional life. I just hope something better comes along that I can stick with.

Death is all around us, in case you forgot

I know this is a topic that I touched on with my “dislike for late movies” post, but this past few days especially, people on the internet and television have been bringing it up the subject. Between Hannah Hart and ‘Girls’, there have been too many references to how we’re suppose to feel and how we should react to the unknown. Why should we spend time focusing on the unknown of death when there are greater things to worry about. Worrying about how I’m going to survive living at my parent’s house means I’m going to be sacrificing a lot; liquor usage, swearing, and the number one answer: my attitude. Apparently, it’s like a problem or something. All I know is that there have been long periods of my life in 2013 where yes; I was extremely unhappy with the way life was turning out and how things didn’t go according to plan. I get a slap in the face or a wake up call. I thought 2012 was rough but apparently, 2013 was only slightly better.

Consoling doesn’t seem like a bad idea but I honestly want to do this on my own, now that I have the time and energy to focus on my needs and what I want out of life. Just getting back to the basics in life and hobbies that actually make me happy. I need to stop acting so angry and unpleasant with everyone I talk, it isn’t fair to them or myself and it’s only going to get worse as life goes on. I know that now. Maybe I will, maybe I won’t. I’ll give myself a month to self reflect and if it doesn’t get better, I’ll throw myself into consoling. By then, I should feel like I could them a shot.