The Unrouted Journey

Fresh Off The Presses

I have been at a standstill with my poetry as of late. Between losing jobs, hit and run, and adjusting to post college society, life has been rough to write about; let alone think about. I wrote this poem probably about a month ago and it’s one of the only poems I seem to like out of the bunch I have written since January. Suggestions are always appreciated!

The Unrouted Journey

Someday will move me,

to drive far away.

Attitudes won’t judge others

for what they’ve been through.

Moments begging to be touched,

all over hips, thighs, lips…

that quiver saying your name.

Lit up the dance floor,

set the bedroom on fire,

burning it up while getting clean.

Showering the place to sin,

washing yourself once more,

only to start where you left.

Afterwards, the tricks for kids

aren’t so childish and new.

So, we drive off, some will be

distant and others will stick,

to the road less traveled.

To find our own meaning,

on the road again and again

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Why I Hate The Month Of April

Is it that time of the year again? Damnit…

I have always disliked this month, ever since I was younger and this year is no exception to the rule. I’ve got a list…

  1. Since my little (not so little) hit and run incident three weeks ago, my parent are wanting me to go to 2 therapy sessions to see if I have any stress problems. I have problems before, but they’ve been minor compared to this one. So I’m forced to go and see how it goes; which hopefully won’t kill my self esteem.
  2. Following my hit and run, I have a court date this month for failing to yield and I have no idea how that will go. Hopefully I’ll just paid off my court fees and forget this whole thing ever happened. I’m just grateful no one was injured.
  3. I also have not one but TWO weddings this month. My godmother finally getting married to the man she loves is great and I am super duper happy for her. But the other wedding, my God, is going to be a buzz kill. There are this couple I was friends with in high school and I’ve always stayed in touch with Rebecca because I truly admire her for what she’s doing with her life. I just know this wedding is going to be nothing but Johnny’s lame friends and Rebecca’s “waaaayyy” older girl friends who I hardly know. And there also trying to be adorable with their wedding date “4/11/14”. Oh the horribly icky irony…
  4. My best friend of 15 years is leaving for the navy in two weeks and I am all types of messy on the inside. I don’t know what to do without her around; she’s the best friend any girl could ask for. My stomach turns every time I think about and I just get emotional about it.  She’s having a going away party this Sunday and that’s only going to mean the beginning of the fun times, coming to an end. Us realizing that we all have to grow up sometime, move on with our lives and become full grown adults. I’m just not ready for all of that transition to happen. Sometimes, I want to be in high school and go over to my best friend’s house to hang out, watch a movie, and talk about stupid stuff like we always do. Things just aren’t the same around here anymore.

Now, I’m not bitching and complaining about this month particularly being awful because man; do I have a bad track record. There are the bad break-ups: starting in high school, my boyfriend, James, (who was actually really sweet and awesome) and I decide it would best if we broke up. Which is fine and dandy, until my good friend, Melody, decides it’s a good idea to ask him out three days later without even telling or asking me about it. I had what you might call a “bad boy boyfriend” named Keith who decided to be a complete ass for a week and then post humiliating pictures of me all over the Internet. I was a mess for a week and had all sorts of tests coming up during that time. Which brings me to my next topic; the bad grades and classes. At Bradley, signing up for classes and the last day to drop a class for the spring semester would appear in the middle of April. I had a rough time with my health science major and most of the important tests would fall during this month. So, many times I had failed a test or found out where I stood in the class and would have to drop out. Usually after doing that, the dreaded phone call to my parents would happen, where they would say how disappointed and unhappy they were to find out about my poor grades and my even poorer self. Self esteem is normally shot at this point in my academic year. Speaking of college, one of the most important memories of my college youth happened in April my Freshman year, where I threw up for the very first time from alcohol thanks to the drinking game called, “Circle of Death”. Good memories were made, most definitely, but I almost went my whole first year at college without throwing up once and I was ready hoping that it would have stayed that way. But alas, the streak was over. I know I have mentioned before that death is never easy and well, April likes to be there for death, I suppose. Both of my grandparents of my father’s side have passed away around this month. We’ve all had family relatives died at some point in our lives. But when a death that is actually a suicide happens at your high school and everyone knew that person, it’s almost as if a part of a larger community passed on into another universe. That was one of the first deaths I dealt with where everyone around you is sad for the exact same reason. You can’t explain it except by hugging them and saying everything will be alright. And finally, this month always makes me go back and question where my life is going. I don’t know if it’s because May is right around the corner and that means school is ending, but I’m usually going back to the same notion that life sucks, everything is confusing as hell, and I don’t know how to get out of this spot.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that April is a nasty way to showing you to slow down and think your life choices before you screw up completely. All I want to do is give this month a nice kick in the ass and stop ruining my life so much, you big jerk! My life…oy vey!

 

You Win Some, You Lose Some

The post college life is difficult.

I have had three jobs in the past two months and I’m praying to keep my current job as a sales associate job at New York and Company. I just don’t get what I’m doing wrong. Half of the time, I feel timid with people giving me instructions and the other half I feel lost, almost like I’m drowning in my own confusion. I keep trucking along, smiling, and trying to be happy. But it’s so damn frustrating not getting the results you have been hoping for.

At least guys are interested in me.

Almost two weeks ago, after I found out about my job offer from New York and Company, I went out with some of friends in town for Pi day. Anyone who is from St. Louis knows about this “holiday” due to the fact that the numbers spell out our area code, which is 314. So, we went out and hard in paint I might add. I had two different guys buy me shots and one of them danced with me and asked for my phone number. That was a huge confidence booster. Three days later was St. Patrick’s Day. That was legendary. Myself and two of my girlfriends went near the Central West End to get some dinner and drinks. The three of us were waiting in line right behind three, beer holding bachelors. As we approach the first of the line, one of the guys asks if we would join them for dinner. A triple date?!?! How often does that happen? I would say as close as someone getting the NCAA college basketball bracket correct. It was not only a fun time, but they also asked for our numbers so we can get together with them sometime in the future. It was an awesome feeling leaving that restaurant because I would have never thought something like that would happen, but it did.

Faith has a funny way of showing its cards, whether it’s in your social or professional life. I just hope something better comes along that I can stick with.

Happy International Women’s Day!

This post is celebrating women empowering women everywhere, or as I like to call it: A True Best Friend Just Knows: Part II.

Being at home and away from college means appreciating your friendships more. With most of my “Bradley peeps”, I go through periods where I text them every-so-often so that I’m not bugging them and still keep in touch. But there are those friendships, the few and proud, that I need in my life more than Girls, YouTube, and coffee combined.

Here is another example of how close college friendships can be wonderful!

-Sus-

I had a Stein nightmare. He gave me a C in his class and told me to never write again.

-Iz-

Awww poor thing! He would never do that in real life.

-Sus-

I also had a dream I was back in high school. What the heel, brain? I think it’s mad I stayed sober to do homework last night. Missed its regular Thursday night brews.

-Iz-

Your brain must miss the good times of being in school. Haha, my brain likes me, I had my brew last night and it was much deserved.

-Sus-

Niiice. Ugh, I think I’m just excited about visiting. I know it’s only for a night but it will be epic!

-Iz-

Definitely will be! I am so excited!! It’s too bad you’re not staying the whole weekend though.

-Sus-

I know. 😦 I would but because of my schoolwork, it just wouldn’t be wise.

-Iz-

Totes understand

-Sus-

Is Jamar coming down to?

-Iz-

He is! I’m not sure about your husband though.

-Sus-

Ugh. I wish my husby was but alas, he can’t come. Jamar is on my last nerve. He has been super creepy as of late.

-Iz-

Cuz of his job? How super creepy are we talking? Cuz I haven’t heard from him in a while.

-Sus-

And well, there was the whole ‘don’t go to Topeka’ and he makes comments on my Facebook, calling me ‘sexy’ and stuff like that, and I just delete them. He’s doing to me what he used to do to you.

-Iz-

Really?! I have never see those comments on your Facebook. I remember when he did that to me and I would be so annoyed by it. Ugh, he really needs to grow up and move on.

-Sus-

That’s because I delete them.

I just worry he’ll get touchy feely and make his usual jamar comments. I’m sick of it.

-Iz-

I hope not. He knows you have a boyfriend, so he better leave you alone. If he comes after you, I would playfully grab your ass and tell him, ‘She’s my Valentine, so back off buddy cuz you’re not getting any from her!’

-Sus-

Yes, Chad too. He thinks we’re going a v-day date. I dunno, I just want to see you. I’m just using Chad for the ride which is so bitchy but yea, I have a boyfriend so stop hitting on me.

I’m Liz’s Valentine.

-Iz-

That’s sad of him to think that, what a chump. That’s how I feel! We planned this a month ago and now, everyone is dog piling on. I just wanna see my Valentine! And besides, women use men for stuff all the time. Nothing surprising there.

-Sus-

I love you. Really, I do. That text was perfection.

-Iz-

Lol, I go the extra mile you, love.

A Balancing Act About Becoming A Woman

Life is all about choices and balance. We decide when we want to look for a job after we have watched too many shows on Netflix or (if you’re smart enough) apply for 15 jobs and later on, reward ourselves with a glass of wine and watch some HIMYM. Before I was shipped off to the real world, I would go on YouTube and watch hours of videos before I decided it was ‘a good time’ to start my homework. Now-a-days, responsibilities weigh more heavy on your shoulders and mental state before you even start to think about watching the new episode of ‘The Walking Dead’

Some day, you have just a coffee for breakfast, a chicken salad for lunch, and fish for dinner. Other days, you have a donut for breakfast, cheesy soup and ALL OF THE BREAD for lunch, toasted ravioli for dinner, and then eating half a plate of cookies just because. But I bounce back from those type of days. Sure, I use to worry about what my body looked like and how other people would judge me, but those days have been behind me since August, 2013. I care enough about my health, not my appearance.

Next time someone wants to hang out for a few hours, think to yourself, ‘What would make hanging out with you worth it?’ You know you would have a good olde time with your friends; that’s not the issue. Is is worth spending quality time with that friend if you haven’t felt fulfillment within yourself? That’s the real test.

Progress Report II

I would say that things are getting better.

Emotionally, I feel pretty great for where I’m at in my life at this moment. My understanding is that life and its inevitable events are only going to get harder as you get older; for instance, having your best friend gone in less than two months before leaving for the navy is a bitter, nasty, and hard pill to allow. She’ll be gone for at least two years, and sometimes I think about how many experiences she’s going to have while I’m not around to witness them. We’ve always been in each others lives and then BAM! She won’t be around anymore.

But besides that, work and family are going really swell. I love my job; truly. It’s one of the best learning experiences I’ve ever had and it feel amazing doing something that honestly interests me and what I want to pursue as a career. I’ve gotten better at being around my family the more I’m at home. At first, I felt as though they were being frustrating for how they were treating me, but now I get it. They’re older than I remember, living at home before leaving for college. Things and situations have definitely changed, some for worse and a lot for the better. It had just been so long and the dynamics certainly have changed around this house. I still wouldn’t trade anything for my family though, I love for the people they are and how important they are to me.

I know I shouldn’t be bragging about myself, but the future is looking really bright from what I can see. I know I’ll be living at home for God knows how long, but I know it will all be worth it in the end; having money saved up, continue to work at my marketing assistant job, and move out of the house. While drinking wine like the cool kids do!

Get back to where you once belonged

To recap my weekend would be like scanning through all of the epicness that would happen in one semester and rolled up into two days. Despite having to drive through the falling snow, Valentine’s day was a day for the record books. For me, there was nothing like staying up all night, drinking all of the hard liquor at the clubs, dancing with your white friends, doing all sorts of bad things, and having the time of my life with my friends. To top it off, I hadn’t seen my favorite best friend in four months and it was so so so so so so so wonderful to finally see her, catch up, and being able to let our hair down. I can’t believe I had the energy to go out the very next night after what I had put my body through the night before. I had to though; when was my next chance to see of these people and getting back in touch with my college youth again. I don’t know if I’ll be able to go out like that next time I visit, but at least I out did my own damn self.

It was great seeing everyone I once hung out with everyday and I cherish those moment more now that I’m gone. Valentine’s day was the perfect setting for all of us getting together and doing what we do best; party and have a great time! There’s nothing quite like, good olde Peoria!

Heading back to the mothership

I wrote this last September, in one moment where I was thinking about all of the great memories I made at Bradley. All of the places, friends, and activities; all of them made me realize who I am as an individual. I’ve edited this a few times and I’m pretty happy with it for the most part. Enjoy!

Realizations

I stand alone, on Big Red’s porch,

Waiting for the sun to rise again,

As I stare at the night that was,

And still continues to be.

 

More people start to come outside,

They wonder where I have run off to,

As I look down at my half smoked pipe;

My eyes are as glazed over as a doughnut.

 

The words that escape are, “I’m waiting for the sunrise.”

And everyone left standing from the night joins me,

For the night is young and so are we,

But it’s not the sun I am waiting for.

 

I am waiting for you to come back,

Back into my life and my hopes,

Where our old selves could have stayed young,

Oh, but why did you have to go?

 

For that, I may never know the answer,

But for now, I have this, this moment, and myself,

To get me through until I see that sun peeking into the new day,

To remind me that life goes on and so will I.

Mrs. Independent is back

It has taken me a good while to finally come to terms with myself being single. From sophomore to senior year of college, I had two failed relationships, one of them being the most serious and in love I had ever felt. After it crashed and burned in my face, I went into another state in my mind. Literally. I would try things and do things just to get away from my problems and not think about what would happen later. That my emotional needs weren’t being kept to the point where I felt like a mental basket case for the loveless. I would detached myself from the men I was sleeping around with, until I met “The Boy”. I became Play-Doe and molded myself into whatever I thought he wanted me to be. As it turns out, it only made my mental state worse.

Months had passed and we had a falling out. I thought it was because he didn’t give me a chance to let me be myself. But I was wrong. I was holding on to feelings of resentment, anger, and frustration. Which, for anyone that knows me, I’m not that person. I took me a long time to figure out how screwed up I was after breaking up my one-time serious relationship and diving into situations that were out of my control. I didn’t know how to stop myself; I just kept going until it was enough to make me feel satisfied and good. As soon as I realized it, I began to write more emotional and meaningful poetry and it felt great. No; I felt like myself. Nerdy, weird, quirky, and out-going. Once I was graduated, I began the process of learning more about myself and pick up the pieces that I left behind at Bradley.

It’s been a long time coming, but I feel awesome about myself. I look forward to today and don’t stress about tomorrow. I appreciate things, people, and situations more as they come to me. Fuck stressing out over people and problems that are out of your control; control yourself and let the rest follow.

Death is all around us, in case you forgot

I know this is a topic that I touched on with my “dislike for late movies” post, but this past few days especially, people on the internet and television have been bringing it up the subject. Between Hannah Hart and ‘Girls’, there have been too many references to how we’re suppose to feel and how we should react to the unknown. Why should we spend time focusing on the unknown of death when there are greater things to worry about. Worrying about how I’m going to survive living at my parent’s house means I’m going to be sacrificing a lot; liquor usage, swearing, and the number one answer: my attitude. Apparently, it’s like a problem or something. All I know is that there have been long periods of my life in 2013 where yes; I was extremely unhappy with the way life was turning out and how things didn’t go according to plan. I get a slap in the face or a wake up call. I thought 2012 was rough but apparently, 2013 was only slightly better.

Consoling doesn’t seem like a bad idea but I honestly want to do this on my own, now that I have the time and energy to focus on my needs and what I want out of life. Just getting back to the basics in life and hobbies that actually make me happy. I need to stop acting so angry and unpleasant with everyone I talk, it isn’t fair to them or myself and it’s only going to get worse as life goes on. I know that now. Maybe I will, maybe I won’t. I’ll give myself a month to self reflect and if it doesn’t get better, I’ll throw myself into consoling. By then, I should feel like I could them a shot.