Progress Report II

I would say that things are getting better.

Emotionally, I feel pretty great for where I’m at in my life at this moment. My understanding is that life and its inevitable events are only going to get harder as you get older; for instance, having your best friend gone in less than two months before leaving for the navy is a bitter, nasty, and hard pill to allow. She’ll be gone for at least two years, and sometimes I think about how many experiences she’s going to have while I’m not around to witness them. We’ve always been in each others lives and then BAM! She won’t be around anymore.

But besides that, work and family are going really swell. I love my job; truly. It’s one of the best learning experiences I’ve ever had and it feel amazing doing something that honestly interests me and what I want to pursue as a career. I’ve gotten better at being around my family the more I’m at home. At first, I felt as though they were being frustrating for how they were treating me, but now I get it. They’re older than I remember, living at home before leaving for college. Things and situations have definitely changed, some for worse and a lot for the better. It had just been so long and the dynamics certainly have changed around this house. I still wouldn’t trade anything for my family though, I love for the people they are and how important they are to me.

I know I shouldn’t be bragging about myself, but the future is looking really bright from what I can see. I know I’ll be living at home for God knows how long, but I know it will all be worth it in the end; having money saved up, continue to work at my marketing assistant job, and move out of the house. While drinking wine like the cool kids do!

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Get back to where you once belonged

To recap my weekend would be like scanning through all of the epicness that would happen in one semester and rolled up into two days. Despite having to drive through the falling snow, Valentine’s day was a day for the record books. For me, there was nothing like staying up all night, drinking all of the hard liquor at the clubs, dancing with your white friends, doing all sorts of bad things, and having the time of my life with my friends. To top it off, I hadn’t seen my favorite best friend in four months and it was so so so so so so so wonderful to finally see her, catch up, and being able to let our hair down. I can’t believe I had the energy to go out the very next night after what I had put my body through the night before. I had to though; when was my next chance to see of these people and getting back in touch with my college youth again. I don’t know if I’ll be able to go out like that next time I visit, but at least I out did my own damn self.

It was great seeing everyone I once hung out with everyday and I cherish those moment more now that I’m gone. Valentine’s day was the perfect setting for all of us getting together and doing what we do best; party and have a great time! There’s nothing quite like, good olde Peoria!

Heading back to the mothership

I wrote this last September, in one moment where I was thinking about all of the great memories I made at Bradley. All of the places, friends, and activities; all of them made me realize who I am as an individual. I’ve edited this a few times and I’m pretty happy with it for the most part. Enjoy!

Realizations

I stand alone, on Big Red’s porch,

Waiting for the sun to rise again,

As I stare at the night that was,

And still continues to be.

 

More people start to come outside,

They wonder where I have run off to,

As I look down at my half smoked pipe;

My eyes are as glazed over as a doughnut.

 

The words that escape are, “I’m waiting for the sunrise.”

And everyone left standing from the night joins me,

For the night is young and so are we,

But it’s not the sun I am waiting for.

 

I am waiting for you to come back,

Back into my life and my hopes,

Where our old selves could have stayed young,

Oh, but why did you have to go?

 

For that, I may never know the answer,

But for now, I have this, this moment, and myself,

To get me through until I see that sun peeking into the new day,

To remind me that life goes on and so will I.

Mrs. Independent is back

It has taken me a good while to finally come to terms with myself being single. From sophomore to senior year of college, I had two failed relationships, one of them being the most serious and in love I had ever felt. After it crashed and burned in my face, I went into another state in my mind. Literally. I would try things and do things just to get away from my problems and not think about what would happen later. That my emotional needs weren’t being kept to the point where I felt like a mental basket case for the loveless. I would detached myself from the men I was sleeping around with, until I met “The Boy”. I became Play-Doe and molded myself into whatever I thought he wanted me to be. As it turns out, it only made my mental state worse.

Months had passed and we had a falling out. I thought it was because he didn’t give me a chance to let me be myself. But I was wrong. I was holding on to feelings of resentment, anger, and frustration. Which, for anyone that knows me, I’m not that person. I took me a long time to figure out how screwed up I was after breaking up my one-time serious relationship and diving into situations that were out of my control. I didn’t know how to stop myself; I just kept going until it was enough to make me feel satisfied and good. As soon as I realized it, I began to write more emotional and meaningful poetry and it felt great. No; I felt like myself. Nerdy, weird, quirky, and out-going. Once I was graduated, I began the process of learning more about myself and pick up the pieces that I left behind at Bradley.

It’s been a long time coming, but I feel awesome about myself. I look forward to today and don’t stress about tomorrow. I appreciate things, people, and situations more as they come to me. Fuck stressing out over people and problems that are out of your control; control yourself and let the rest follow.